The Secret to Letting Go of the Past.

We all have a past—each and every one of us—and it’s likely that it’s a past filled with more than just rainbows and buttercups.

Even those among us who live full and joyous lives and are genuinely happy still have pain and loss in our past. We have all lost something that matters deeply to us: a home, a friend, a family member, a lover, a job, a pet, an opportunity, our health, a dream, an idea of how our life and future should or could be.

Maybe as children we were abused or neglected by people we trusted. Maybe we were hurt in different ways we were were all grown up. Maybe it was us who did the hurting. Maybe we lied. Maybe we were lied to. Maybe we watched a loved one die. Maybe we never got to say goodbye. Maybe we let the love of our life slip through our fingers. Maybe we made horrible choices. Maybe we were victims of circumstances. Maybe we drank too much or gambled too much or worked too much or took too much or gave too much. Maybe we talked when we should have listened or gave up when we should have pressed on. Maybe we let someone down or or had unrealistic expectations or refused to forgive.

Maybe…Maybe…Maybe…the list goes on and on.

As sure as the night is dark, every single one of us have a few skeletons hanging around in a closet somewhere.

The things we don’t talk about. The things we try to forget. The things we could have said. The vows we should have kept. The photos or letters buried under the bed. The secrets, the memories, the triggers. The ghosts that keep us awake at night, refusing to be forgotten.

There are people so damaged by lost love that they never love again. There are people so afraid of being abandoned that they have great difficulty forging bonds of any kind, or are terrified of being alone. There are those who were silenced and find it difficult to speak, people afraid to try new things or share their ideas because they were made to feel stupid, and some of us who have been betrayed find trust nearly impossible.

We read articles and books and watch TV shows and TED talks and listen to podcasts and talk to therapists; we go to meetings, confession or yoga and everyone everywhere tells us the same thing: Let go of the past.

How many times have we heard from a well meaning friend to “just let that go?” How many times have we said it? We can even buy edgy work out tank tops that say “Let that sh*t go.”

There’s a lot of pressure to be fully present, to find peace, to let the past go—but how?

How do we leave the past in the past? How do we move on? How do we let go?

If you ask a thousand people, you’ll get a thousand different bits of advice: pray, meditate, ride a motorcycle, walk in nature, talk about it, ignore it, write a letter, write a poem, take up jogging, hike at sunrise, sing, shout, howl, cut your hair, eat this but not that before bed, move, paint your walls, forget you ever met him, tell her you’re sorry, take this pill, drink this tincture, burn his pictures, erase her phone number, find a new lover, join a group, take up a hobby, ask forgiveness, donate money, change this and process that and do these eight steps or these twelve…

There are countless ways to try to let go, but do they work? If you close the door or take down pictures, does the pain go away? If you never talk to her again does the sadness just disappear? Did those six self-help books on grief stop the heartache on the anniversary of his death?

So how do we do it? How do we let go?

The secret is, we don’t. We don’t let go. We loosen our grip. That is all.

We accept that every experience that we have ever had and everything that we have ever done or that has been done to us and every person we have ever known, every place we have ever been, every decision we’ve ever made and every thought we have ever had is part of who we are, and whether we understand it or not they all serve a purpose.

So we don’t force it. We don’t insist on letting go. We don’t forget the past. We don’t silence the ghosts.

We acknowledge and honor everything that is our past, we forgive ourselves and others, we take a deep breath and we slowly, simply, loosen our grip, finger by finger, thought by thought and what’s meant to slip away will, the rest we embrace.

Image: martinak15/Flickr

Posted on Elephant Journal / Editor: Emily Bartran

Simple Steps to Conflict Resolution.

From MMA fighters to yoga teachers, we all do it. It happens to the best of us.

The happiest, most well adjusted, balanced and calm of us have conflict with people we are close to and at one point or another, we say things we wish we would have said differently or not at all. And in the heat of the moment, we do things our rational self would find idiotic.

None of us wants to argue but it can happen in any relationship.

We might argue about money, sex, kids, chores, where to vacation or whose turn it is to walk the dog. Maybe we argue about free time, work time, other men or other women and sometimes we argue about arguing. These conflicts can range from slight disagreements to full blown-shouting-until-your-neighbors-come-knocking-on-your-door arguments which can lead to all kinds of embarrassing apologies and yep…more arguing.

The potential for conflict doesn’t stop with our partners.

We might argue with our kids, bosses, co-workers, parents or siblings, friends, teachers, or the random stranger who told you to shut the hell up on social media. It doesn’t matter who we are in conflict with, in order to fight fair or better yet, put out a fire before it starts, some tools are required.

Conflict resolution does not always come easy. Sometimes habits kick in and we resort to unhealthy patterns that we more than likely learned from an early age. We might raise our voice, blame, get physical, or we might shut down, none of which help to resolve conflict of any kind with anyone.

The outcome of most relationships, and thus our entire futures, might be determined by how we respond during conflict. Most relationships are only as strong as their ability to withstand storms. It’s worth taking the time and energy to learn how to disagree in a healthy way.

1. Count to ten. This old stand-by works simply by slowing us down enough to allow emotions to disperse at least a little bit. If we want to find resolution in a conflict, the things we say have to make sense. Venting doesn’t solve most human problems. Slowing down allows for clearer, more logical, focused, less emotionally charged thoughts and overall better communication.

2. Take personal inventory. Step back and see yourself as someone else might. Are you acting irrational? Being unfair? Do you appear threatening, dangerous or unreasonable? Are you approachable? Would you want to talk to you?  Relax your face. Un-crunch your forehead and relax your mouth and jaw. You can still be angry but a discussion will be much easier if you don’t look angry.

3. Breathe. More importantly—exhale. A few deep breaths slows the heart rate, which decreases adrenal response. If, in the heat of the moment, you are finding this difficult, interlace the fingers of both hands, rest your hands on the back of your head and open your elbows. This forces a deeper, fuller breath and has the added benefit of making you look relaxed and at ease at the same time.

4. Choose your words wisely. Language matters. Words spoken in anger may or may not be a completely honest reflection of how we truly feel. In fact they may just be angry words—but when you are the recipient of hateful, angry, spiteful words sometimes the damage can’t be undone. We can’t un-hear something. Once hurtful words come out of our mouths a thousand apologies won’t put them back in. Think before you speak. Words have power—they can be nourishment or poison.

5. Never name call.  Just don’t.

6. Be present. The past is the past. Unless it is relevant to this moment, or a repeated behavior or pattern that has never been resolved, avoid bringing up the past. Remember, people change every day. The person you’re in conflict with is not the same person they were last year, last week or even yesterday. The point you might be trying to make may no longer apply today. Angry words that have nothing to do with the current situation are far more harmful than helpful.

7. Listen. We all want to be heard. Don’t assume you know what another person is thinking, feeling or trying to communicate. Ask for clarity. Say something to the effect of “what I’m hearing you say is….” or “am I understanding you correctly?” Often, assumptions cause more damage than reality.

8. Take a time out. Remember, it takes two to tango. If you’re in conflict with your partner and you want to find resolution remind yourself that your person probably feels the same way. Give them credit. Remember that your beloved is probably not the total a** you think they are in this moment or you would not have chosen them in the first place. If the other person is in attack mode it is okay to disengage. Take five minutes, 10 minutes, whatever it takes. Agree to calm down and come back.

9. Choose your battles wisely. Sometimes it’s better to be happy than right. Some points are worth making and some are irrelevant or petty. Ask yourself: Is this really worth arguing about? Does it make a difference? Will this matter in a week, a month, a year? Am I antagonizing? If you are on the other end of another’s anger, remind yourself that we all have off days and possibly the person in front of you is distracted by something else in their life. Possibly you are the unfortunate recipient of something that has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t make us weak to let things go. An old friend who was nearly always happy would say “Let it drip off of you, like water off a duck’s back.” Certainly, conflict opens doors to resolution and improved relationships but not everything is worth fighting for.

10. Imagine this is the last time you might see this person. Things happen. Ask yourself: If you were to never see the person you’re in conflict with again, how would you want this conversation to be remembered?  There are no time machines. Sometimes we get one chance and one chance only to say or do the right thing.

Conflict in life is unavoidable.

Usually we don’t choose it but we do get to choose how we deal with it. We can decide to forgive but we can’t decide to forget, some memories never fade regardless of how much we would like them to, which is why it is so important to disagree in ways that help, not hurt. If we carry that knowledge with us constantly we might choose kinder, gentler words executed with much more love, patience and understanding.

Image: Carsten Tolkmit / Flickr

Posted on Elephant Journal / Editor: Catherine Monkman