The Secret to Letting Go of the Past.

We all have a past—each and every one of us—and it’s likely that it’s a past filled with more than just rainbows and buttercups.

Even those among us who live full and joyous lives and are genuinely happy still have pain and loss in our past. We have all lost something that matters deeply to us: a home, a friend, a family member, a lover, a job, a pet, an opportunity, our health, a dream, an idea of how our life and future should or could be.

Maybe as children we were abused or neglected by people we trusted. Maybe we were hurt in different ways we were were all grown up. Maybe it was us who did the hurting. Maybe we lied. Maybe we were lied to. Maybe we watched a loved one die. Maybe we never got to say goodbye. Maybe we let the love of our life slip through our fingers. Maybe we made horrible choices. Maybe we were victims of circumstances. Maybe we drank too much or gambled too much or worked too much or took too much or gave too much. Maybe we talked when we should have listened or gave up when we should have pressed on. Maybe we let someone down or or had unrealistic expectations or refused to forgive.

Maybe…Maybe…Maybe…the list goes on and on.

As sure as the night is dark, every single one of us have a few skeletons hanging around in a closet somewhere.

The things we don’t talk about. The things we try to forget. The things we could have said. The vows we should have kept. The photos or letters buried under the bed. The secrets, the memories, the triggers. The ghosts that keep us awake at night, refusing to be forgotten.

There are people so damaged by lost love that they never love again. There are people so afraid of being abandoned that they have great difficulty forging bonds of any kind, or are terrified of being alone. There are those who were silenced and find it difficult to speak, people afraid to try new things or share their ideas because they were made to feel stupid, and some of us who have been betrayed find trust nearly impossible.

We read articles and books and watch TV shows and TED talks and listen to podcasts and talk to therapists; we go to meetings, confession or yoga and everyone everywhere tells us the same thing: Let go of the past.

How many times have we heard from a well meaning friend to “just let that go?” How many times have we said it? We can even buy edgy work out tank tops that say “Let that sh*t go.”

There’s a lot of pressure to be fully present, to find peace, to let the past go—but how?

How do we leave the past in the past? How do we move on? How do we let go?

If you ask a thousand people, you’ll get a thousand different bits of advice: pray, meditate, ride a motorcycle, walk in nature, talk about it, ignore it, write a letter, write a poem, take up jogging, hike at sunrise, sing, shout, howl, cut your hair, eat this but not that before bed, move, paint your walls, forget you ever met him, tell her you’re sorry, take this pill, drink this tincture, burn his pictures, erase her phone number, find a new lover, join a group, take up a hobby, ask forgiveness, donate money, change this and process that and do these eight steps or these twelve…

There are countless ways to try to let go, but do they work? If you close the door or take down pictures, does the pain go away? If you never talk to her again does the sadness just disappear? Did those six self-help books on grief stop the heartache on the anniversary of his death?

So how do we do it? How do we let go?

The secret is, we don’t. We don’t let go. We loosen our grip. That is all.

We accept that every experience that we have ever had and everything that we have ever done or that has been done to us and every person we have ever known, every place we have ever been, every decision we’ve ever made and every thought we have ever had is part of who we are, and whether we understand it or not they all serve a purpose.

So we don’t force it. We don’t insist on letting go. We don’t forget the past. We don’t silence the ghosts.

We acknowledge and honor everything that is our past, we forgive ourselves and others, we take a deep breath and we slowly, simply, loosen our grip, finger by finger, thought by thought and what’s meant to slip away will, the rest we embrace.

Image: martinak15/Flickr

Posted on Elephant Journal / Editor: Emily Bartran

Simple Steps to Conflict Resolution.

From MMA fighters to yoga teachers, we all do it. It happens to the best of us.

The happiest, most well adjusted, balanced and calm of us have conflict with people we are close to and at one point or another, we say things we wish we would have said differently or not at all. And in the heat of the moment, we do things our rational self would find idiotic.

None of us wants to argue but it can happen in any relationship.

We might argue about money, sex, kids, chores, where to vacation or whose turn it is to walk the dog. Maybe we argue about free time, work time, other men or other women and sometimes we argue about arguing. These conflicts can range from slight disagreements to full blown-shouting-until-your-neighbors-come-knocking-on-your-door arguments which can lead to all kinds of embarrassing apologies and yep…more arguing.

The potential for conflict doesn’t stop with our partners.

We might argue with our kids, bosses, co-workers, parents or siblings, friends, teachers, or the random stranger who told you to shut the hell up on social media. It doesn’t matter who we are in conflict with, in order to fight fair or better yet, put out a fire before it starts, some tools are required.

Conflict resolution does not always come easy. Sometimes habits kick in and we resort to unhealthy patterns that we more than likely learned from an early age. We might raise our voice, blame, get physical, or we might shut down, none of which help to resolve conflict of any kind with anyone.

The outcome of most relationships, and thus our entire futures, might be determined by how we respond during conflict. Most relationships are only as strong as their ability to withstand storms. It’s worth taking the time and energy to learn how to disagree in a healthy way.

1. Count to ten. This old stand-by works simply by slowing us down enough to allow emotions to disperse at least a little bit. If we want to find resolution in a conflict, the things we say have to make sense. Venting doesn’t solve most human problems. Slowing down allows for clearer, more logical, focused, less emotionally charged thoughts and overall better communication.

2. Take personal inventory. Step back and see yourself as someone else might. Are you acting irrational? Being unfair? Do you appear threatening, dangerous or unreasonable? Are you approachable? Would you want to talk to you?  Relax your face. Un-crunch your forehead and relax your mouth and jaw. You can still be angry but a discussion will be much easier if you don’t look angry.

3. Breathe. More importantly—exhale. A few deep breaths slows the heart rate, which decreases adrenal response. If, in the heat of the moment, you are finding this difficult, interlace the fingers of both hands, rest your hands on the back of your head and open your elbows. This forces a deeper, fuller breath and has the added benefit of making you look relaxed and at ease at the same time.

4. Choose your words wisely. Language matters. Words spoken in anger may or may not be a completely honest reflection of how we truly feel. In fact they may just be angry words—but when you are the recipient of hateful, angry, spiteful words sometimes the damage can’t be undone. We can’t un-hear something. Once hurtful words come out of our mouths a thousand apologies won’t put them back in. Think before you speak. Words have power—they can be nourishment or poison.

5. Never name call.  Just don’t.

6. Be present. The past is the past. Unless it is relevant to this moment, or a repeated behavior or pattern that has never been resolved, avoid bringing up the past. Remember, people change every day. The person you’re in conflict with is not the same person they were last year, last week or even yesterday. The point you might be trying to make may no longer apply today. Angry words that have nothing to do with the current situation are far more harmful than helpful.

7. Listen. We all want to be heard. Don’t assume you know what another person is thinking, feeling or trying to communicate. Ask for clarity. Say something to the effect of “what I’m hearing you say is….” or “am I understanding you correctly?” Often, assumptions cause more damage than reality.

8. Take a time out. Remember, it takes two to tango. If you’re in conflict with your partner and you want to find resolution remind yourself that your person probably feels the same way. Give them credit. Remember that your beloved is probably not the total a** you think they are in this moment or you would not have chosen them in the first place. If the other person is in attack mode it is okay to disengage. Take five minutes, 10 minutes, whatever it takes. Agree to calm down and come back.

9. Choose your battles wisely. Sometimes it’s better to be happy than right. Some points are worth making and some are irrelevant or petty. Ask yourself: Is this really worth arguing about? Does it make a difference? Will this matter in a week, a month, a year? Am I antagonizing? If you are on the other end of another’s anger, remind yourself that we all have off days and possibly the person in front of you is distracted by something else in their life. Possibly you are the unfortunate recipient of something that has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t make us weak to let things go. An old friend who was nearly always happy would say “Let it drip off of you, like water off a duck’s back.” Certainly, conflict opens doors to resolution and improved relationships but not everything is worth fighting for.

10. Imagine this is the last time you might see this person. Things happen. Ask yourself: If you were to never see the person you’re in conflict with again, how would you want this conversation to be remembered?  There are no time machines. Sometimes we get one chance and one chance only to say or do the right thing.

Conflict in life is unavoidable.

Usually we don’t choose it but we do get to choose how we deal with it. We can decide to forgive but we can’t decide to forget, some memories never fade regardless of how much we would like them to, which is why it is so important to disagree in ways that help, not hurt. If we carry that knowledge with us constantly we might choose kinder, gentler words executed with much more love, patience and understanding.

Image: Carsten Tolkmit / Flickr

Posted on Elephant Journal / Editor: Catherine Monkman

Dear Cancer: A Letter to My Ex.

Hi, remember me? I know I said I was never going to speak to you again but some time has passed, I’m not angry any more and I have a few things I want to say.

Every time I look at the scar on my belly I think of you. There was a time it upset me and I kept it hidden but somehow things changed. They changed a lot. I need to tell you something that I’ve never told you and really, never thought I would.

I need to tell you that I appreciate you and I love you.

Now don’t get all excited, let me explain.

I meant it when I said that you are a selfish, control freak, with some serious issues and that we would never work out. You’re nearly impossible to get along with, your ruthless, you don’t fight fair, and your really no fun at all but I love you for all of the amazing things you taught me.

Our time together made me a better person. Who knows who I would be now if you hadn’t charged into my life 16 years ago. I was so young and naive.

I never saw you coming.

You taught me to be patient and to choose my battles wisely.  You taught me to be strong. Very strong. You helped me learn to believe in myself. You taught me to be detail oriented and organized and to appreciate the little things. All of them.

You taught me the importance of loving and caring for myself. That was amazing how you helped me quit smoking. Thank you so much for that.

You helped me learn about juicing and locally grown organic food, yoga and meditation. To choose my friends well and to surround myself with love and light and to never ever miss the opportunity to make someone smile. You taught me to stand by those I love, to listen with an open heart, to say “I’m sorry” and to forgive.

You taught me that every single day is a gift. I never wake up grumpy. I’ve become one of those annoying morning people that non-morning people can’t stand. I wake up curious, excited to live, thanks to you.

Being with you taught me to laugh often.

To kiss like I mean it and make love with passion. To fall in love and stay there. To make heart shaped pancakes, do cartwheels and wear glitter in my hair. To listen to old disco and send silly love letters. To sleep under the stars and swim naked in rivers.
Being with you taught me to dream.
You showed me that a little compassion and understanding go a long way, everyone is fighting their own silent battle.

My time with you reminded me to enjoy life’s pleasures, to work hard and to play even harder. It doesn’t matter how busy I am I don’t walk by a Stargazer lily without stopping to smell it and I rarely turn down an adventure.

You taught me to dance. I remember we danced so fast it made me dizzy. I’ve developed so much grace and poise since then, I don’t think you could keep up with me now.

Our relationship was truly toxic and there was no way it could last but it taught me that Love is more important than anything. My friends and loves are more important than food, my joys are more important than water and my daughters are more important than breath.

I learned that love is more important than pain. Love is more important than life.

You taught me to love completely and absolutely—fearlessly—with my whole heart.

Everything any of us do, say or write can change things. We are all artists and teachers and I can be a legend if I live large enough. When we broke up I realized that one day I want them to remember me and smile and laugh and I want their hearts to feel warm and full. I want them to tell stories that inspire others to get up and live and I want some of those stories to leave people asking “did she really do that?”

Ahh Cancer—I don’t miss you but I think of you often.

I want to be clear, this is not an invitation. I am a different woman now, please understand that I am forever grateful and yes, I love you but we are never, ever, ever getting back together.

Sincerely,

Me

Authors note: In 1998 at 29 years old I was diagnosed with first stage ovarian cancer. It shaped the rest of my life and I am grateful for the experience. Much of my work as a massage therapist has been with cancer patients. I teach ongoing classes to women on self lymphatic drainage and breast health. I support and advocate for women’s rights and health. I don’t put much faith in statistics but rather in faith itself. I was blessed to have a competent oncologyst, a strong support system and a loving family. Cancer affects all of us somehow, be it through our own personal experience with the disease or through the experiences of those around us. Lets celebrate survivors and remember, cancer or not, if we’ve made it this far we have all survived something.

Editor: Bryonie Wise
Photo: courtesy of the author